In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry. ~Margaret Laurence
While watching ABC’s Castle the other night I was struck by a short conversation the main character had with his daughter. She expressed in exasperation how all she wants from her boyfriend is an apology without excuses, facts or justifications.
I reflected on past events, words and actions that I was having a hard time letting go of so that I could move forward with my life. I realized that I wanted, simply and only, an apology like the character wanted in Castle. I've found that apologizing is an intuitive desire that, although invisible, is still widely acknowledged in entertainment, in politics, in science, and in literature. How could something so powerful be denied?
WHY APOLOGIZE
I have never heard my mother say “I’m sorry”. With a master’s degree in psychology, my mother pretends to understand how everybody’s mind works. I just wish that she wouldn’t brush over the importance of how peoples’ hearts work. I feel like an apology from her, without excuses, justifications, and reasoning, would clear a block inside me and let my heart, and mind, move on.
So what is an apology and why does it feel so important to have one?
Professor Jennifer Gerarda Brown, Director for the Center on Dispute Resolution, says that, whether in an emotional or a legal context, there is more to an apology than simply the words. “It is important to think about purposes, because the effectiveness of an apology can only be measured with reference to its goals.” (Brown, "The Role of Apology In Negotiation", MARQUETTE LAW REVIEW)
Regardless of eloquent turns of phrase, people know when an apology is self-serving or forced. Without authenticity behind the “I’m sorry”, the effectiveness from the view of the person receiving the apology is low or none. "Almost everyone seems to agree that an apology should be the result of some analysis and introspection on the part of the offender-if it comes too spontaneously or off-the-cuff it loses power and legitimacy. This can create a tension.” (Brown)
A stiff apology is a second insult....
The injured party does not want to be compensated
because he has been wronged;
he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.
~G.K. Chesterton
Yesterday, my mother said “I apologize…” I could feel my heart leap to my throat and I leaned forward to drink in the elixer of the next words. Unfortunately, the next words were just sand and dust to my parched heart: “I apologize… for all the times I will say [hurtful thing] in the future”. There was no genuine apology in her statement; if she were sorry, why would she plan on continuing to hurt me with those words? She went on to explain that I cannot control and manipulate what she says. In other words, she justified her behavior.
My heart felt like it had just been ground into the dirt.
I know that she may have been trying to explain herself. I know that she could have been trying to understand me better. But I also know her. And I know that I have never heard her say or intend to say "I'm sorry". "I'm sorry but..." just isn't enough.
Intuitively I know that healing can begin with a simple apology. Perhaps this is the reason for wanting one so badly. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, authors of The Five Languages of Apology (2006), confirm that a person can experience healing in all relationships through apology. They, as well as numerous other authors and scientists, agree that there are many ways to apologize and to be authentic to oneself at the same time. The apology “languages” according to these authors are:
1) Expressing Regret: I’m sorry
2) Accepting Responsibility: I was wrong
3) Making Restitution: What can I do to make it right?
4) Genuinely Repenting: I’ll try not to do that again.
5) Requesting Forgiveness: Will you please forgive me?
In looking at the above list, I realize that I want to hear simply two out of the five for my own healing to begin:
Jim Kling from Medscape Medical News wrote about the Society of Behavioral Medicine’s 31st Annual Meeting and Scientific Sessions, which presented research that shows that apologies are not just about our intangible emotions; they have physiological responses and effects. The type of healing that I seek is not invisible to our eyes, our science, or our intuition. An apology doesn't have to mean admitting you were wrong or that you need to fix the situation. It doesn't mean that you have to ask for forgiveness. But it does mean liberation, opening doors, healing, regained trust and a stronger relationship.
An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything.
~Lynn Johnston
FORGIVENESS
Chapman and Thomas asked if it was possible to forgive without first receiving an apology. Their conclusion is that forgiveness is a "two-person transaction" that is first enabled by apologizing. Forgiveness is not possible without an apology. The provide a fascinating western religious example:
"Some, particularly within the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus, 'If you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.' [...] Such an interpretation of Jesus' teachings fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins. Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins. When the pastor encourages the wife to forgive the erring husband while he still continues his [adulterous affair], the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do."
If the act of forgiveness is Divine, and apology is an act of confession and a catalyst to forgiveness, then apologizing is Devine as well. In my view, the point of an apology is to open the possibility of healing. Where asking for forgiveness occurs after someone asks for forgiveness and implies that he will try to change his future actions, saying "I'm sorry" means that they acknowledge your hurt, their participation in it, and their remorse for participating. There is no shame in feeling remorse and voicing this to the people affected.
TO THE APOLOGIZE-ER:
Professor Brown cites Ken Blanchard and Margret McBride when presenting a structure for an apology. I'm posting them because I find them pretty useful for self-reflection:
- What mistakes did I make?
- Did I dismiss another person, their wishes, feelings, or ideas?
- Did I take credit when it was not due?
- Why did I do this?
- Was it an impulsive, thoughtless act?
- Was it calculated?
- Was it a result of my fear, anger, or frustration?
- What was my motivation?
- How long have I let this go on? Is this the first or repeated time? Is this behavior becoming a pattern in my life?
- What is the truth I am not dealing with?
- Am I better than this behavior?
True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. ~Mignon McLaughlin
The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Saying “I’m sorry” takes awareness, integrity and courage. When I apologize after an argument or for something that I’m ashamed of, I often feel like an animal exposing the delicate skin of my underbelly to the hunter with a knife. But when my cat shows me her belly, and the horses I work with touch me with their delicate, velvety noses, I know that they allow me to be close because they trust. Trusting in the relationship and in myself is what gives me the power to apologize when I mess up. And for my part, I can trace so much of my teenage anger, rage and hurt to a moment where all I needed was "I'm sorry". Genuine apology opens the door to forgiveness and reconciliation, removing the barrier created by the “offense” and enabling for regained trust over time. This is such an important element if you value your relationships.
Mother, I apologize.